Managing thoughts and feelings can be viewed as the starting point of working through the challenges of conflict. I would contend that it is the groundwork for all other actions and approaches one may take to navigate conflictual situations. How can we share our honest views and reflections in a way that others can hear and how can we listen openly to our father’s, mother’s, sister’s brother’s, colleague’s heartfelt offerings, if we are overwhelmed by anger, fear, shame, resentment, hopelessness, disappointment, or other.
To be free, even if just for a moment, of our conflictual responses to forces in the external world requires us in some way to begin to look at how we may be more at peace with our inner world. How we may be less at the mercy of the sometimes heavy, or even seemingly apocalyptic weather of emotions we feel inside when in conflict with others?
I believe the answer to this question is in some way a lifetime of practice and work. However, as a way of providing insight I’m going to offer a couple of simplified thoughts.
Firstly, to manage our thoughts, feelings, and emotions it helps to be feeling generally well in the world. What helps someone feel well will be specific to the individual but may include practices to manage the stress of day-to-day life. For example, someone may take time out in a calm space and read, or create in some way (draw, paint, sew, build, carve, garden etc). Or someone may find that routines help create a sense of order which manages stress and overwhelm. A daily routine could be so varied but is likely to offer some repetition and structure to the day. To be well in the world is also likely to include some form of soothing or supportive connection with others. At a simple level this could be the exchange of a smile with a stranger on the street, or at another level it could be integrated involvement in an ongoing community activity such as a representative on a school parent committee or a member of a sports team.
Secondly, to manage our thoughts, feelings and emotions it helps to have strategies for managing the moment of the disturbance. To do this the first task is to notice the disturbance. Notice the stiffening of the body perhaps, the rushing of the mind, the raising of the voice, the tightness of the chest, the rising of anxiety, fear, anger, the desire to “fight” or the desire to “flee”.
Having noticed the emotions, the next step is perhaps the hardest of all, which is to do something different in this moment of heightened emotion. Although often hard, it is possible. You may verbally acknowledge what you are feeling, you may inwardly acknowledge what you are feeling, you may stop talking for a few moments, you may take an opportunity to take a couple of deeper breaths, you may offer a smile, you may try and ask a question of genuine curiosity instead of making a statement, you may suggest taking time out for a few minutes or longer, you deflect your attention by looking out the window at trees or passers-by. You may do all or none of these, you may find others that work for you instead. Whatever you do though, I would suggest it is with the aim of managing the surge of emotions that can arise when we’re in conflict with something in the world around us.
As you practise this management of emotions it may become easier over time to both sit with these emotions and engage at the same time with the difference that you are faced with.
Perhaps you have an altercation with a colleague at work. Sometimes you may feel your capacity in that moment is at a level where the best thing to do is withdraw and provide yourself with some space to calm and think through how you’d like to manage the situation. At another time you may have the ability to manage the thoughts and feelings in the moment and still be able to engage to manage the situation in a way that feels positive to you and supportive of the relationship you have with your colleague. You are likely to feel different in each situation and therefore your response may also be subtly different each time.
I’ve offered here some reflections on managing thoughts, feelings, emotions, when faced with conflictual response to what is happening in the world around. However you choose to manage the situation you are living through, my last suggestion would be to manage it in a way that ultimately proves as positive as possible to BOTH you and the relationship(s) you are in.
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An article by Nick Adlington of go-dialogue.co.uk
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