This article continues to focus on personal awareness as one key pillar to transforming challenging relationships in life. As referenced in the previous article, the usual starting point, one that humans seem to be hard-wired towards, is to blame the other when one is in conflict. It is a kind of magnetism, to point at the other person. However, as … Read More
Conflict transformation – awareness and the journey within (part one)
When things get tough in relationships, the common response is often to hope and sometimes demand that the other person changes and does something different, often radically different. If healthy relationship is a dance, a mutual sharing of, thoughts, feelings, and experiences, then indeed it is important that each person can express their needs and make requests of the other, … Read More
Working with shame in conflict resolution
Shame is an essential pro-social force. Our experiences of shame are reflective of the fact that we have values and ideals, which in turn help us cooperate as human beings and live in community. Shame helps us care what others think and take responsibility, and is essential for constructive, collaborative, and loving relationships. However, shame, as with most life experiences, … Read More
Working through…”I’m right, you’re wrong”, in the restoration of relationship
This article is written to highlight an aspect of conflict, and one’s own personal process, that can obstruct the capacity to restore collaborative and cooperative relationship. It also gives a suggestion for beginning to address this issue. In my experience of mediating conflict, and understanding my own disputes, I notice that what often emerges is a clearly defined sense of … Read More
On being judgemental
I heard someone the other day (outside of my work environment) saying they were non-judgemental. I noticed my physical response, a slight tension in my throat, my facial muscles tightened a little, a wariness emerged into my experience. As this person said they were non-judgemental, my level of trust towards what they might say or do very slightly weakened. I … Read More
Awareness – the power to transform conflict
“Awareness is like the glow of a coal which comes from its own combustion” (Perls, Hefferline, Goodman, 1951: 75) Writing about mediation, dialogue, and the practice of conflict transformation, is one way by which I reflect on and develop my practice. It has been a few months since I last wrote and I’ve missed that space to grapple with and … Read More
No conflict is an island – the place of context and “field” in resolving disputes
Conflict is as much about context as it is about the in-the-moment dynamics of a relationship. Or at least, the two are indivisible. To put it another way, every conflict is underpinned by a comprehensive collection of variables, a web of influences, a complex map of roots and consequent branches. Context is ever present. For example, in a workplace mediation, … Read More
Who’s responsible? Reflections on co-owning responsibility in relationships
This article has been in my mind for a while. June and July were busy with mediations, and August has been a time to refuel through time spent with loved and loving others. The emerging theme over the past 6 months has been “responsibility”. I am going to write about responsibility not only through the lens of conflict transformation, but … Read More
Conflict between friends – a call for dialogue
Corinne Rechais is the Director of a mediation service (CALM Mediation) in London, UK. At the Civil Mediation Conference in London recently she mentioned that many/the majority of their community mediations were between people who had once been friends. That simple statement really stood out to me. What is it about friendship that may make us particularly vulnerable to conflict? … Read More
In mediation, slowing the pace of conflict
From time-to-time difference between individuals or groups distorts into conflict. One way to consider conflict is to think of it as dialogue between beings that has extended beyond what the parties to the dialogue can manage. There can perhaps be a tendency amongst human beings to assume that we are “all able”, “all able” to manage any communication, thoughts, feelings, … Read More