When things get tough in relationships, the common response is often to hope and sometimes demand that the other person changes and does something different, often radically different. If healthy relationship is a dance, a mutual sharing of, thoughts, feelings, and experiences, then indeed it is important that each person can express their needs and make requests of the other, … Read More
Working through…”I’m right, you’re wrong”, in the restoration of relationship
This article is written to highlight an aspect of conflict, and one’s own personal process, that can obstruct the capacity to restore collaborative and cooperative relationship. It also gives a suggestion for beginning to address this issue. In my experience of mediating conflict, and understanding my own disputes, I notice that what often emerges is a clearly defined sense of … Read More
On being judgemental
I heard someone the other day (outside of my work environment) saying they were non-judgemental. I noticed my physical response, a slight tension in my throat, my facial muscles tightened a little, a wariness emerged into my experience. As this person said they were non-judgemental, my level of trust towards what they might say or do very slightly weakened. I … Read More
Who’s responsible? Reflections on co-owning responsibility in relationships
This article has been in my mind for a while. June and July were busy with mediations, and August has been a time to refuel through time spent with loved and loving others. The emerging theme over the past 6 months has been “responsibility”. I am going to write about responsibility not only through the lens of conflict transformation, but … Read More
Conflict between friends – a call for dialogue
Corinne Rechais is the Director of a mediation service (CALM Mediation) in London, UK. At the Civil Mediation Conference in London recently she mentioned that many/the majority of their community mediations were between people who had once been friends. That simple statement really stood out to me. What is it about friendship that may make us particularly vulnerable to conflict? … Read More
How a mediator’s “presence” and embodied experience may be used in service of dispute resolution
In training to be a mediator we learn skills, techniques, approaches, important aspects of how to handle challenging and entrenched disputes. We take these tools into our mediations and apply them in nuanced fashion to help the parties move on from the conflict that constrains their business, work relationship, child’s well-being (eg SEN Mediation). However, the more I’ve practiced as … Read More
How on earth do we disagree?
A few years back now, on a whim, I decided I was going to drive from London in the UK, 50 miles north to Luton, so I could be there during an EDL (English Defence League, far-right group) rally. I’m drawn to edges, and to what I don’t know. I’m also fascinated by human beings and their world; I spend … Read More
Right Here, Right Now – shifting conflict in the present moment
In a dispute between two people, there is always a history. One of our jobs as mediators is to help those who have courageously committed to mediation to navigate that story. We support mediation participants to explore past events that have led to the feelings of hurt or distress that often lie at the centre of conflict. As mediators we … Read More
Unexpressed Feelings
I have seen it said that feelings and emotions can get in the way of understanding and empathising with people. From my experience as a mediator in “high feeling” mediation meetings, I can see this point. Feelings and associated emotions can be heightened and expressive, to a point where it is difficult for one, other, or both sides to clearly … Read More
Are you breathing? Managing discord
Discord, difference, conflict, dispute, whichever way you term it, when there is a polarisation of interests, views and values, there is usually an accompanying behavioural response from the people involved. Human beings are living, breathing, and wonderfully emotional creatures. That we have a physiological and feeling response to inter-personal issues is not surprising, and should be cherished. Yet, it is … Read More
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